These humans are insane!

[This excerpt is still a little on the rought side, but I’m thinking that if the book is going to have zombies, it should have an alien too. But, no vampires. Vampires are lame. If I use this, it will come right after we’ve discussed the fall, and it is supposed to illustrate the subsequent, and universal, spread of sin in the world.]

Imagine if you can that you’re an alien. (While you’re at it, imagine that you’re one of the cool ones. You’ve got eight legs, a shiny, black exoskeleton, and you’re telepathic. Why not? If you’re going to be an alien, you might as well make it worth your while.) So, you’re an alien, and you’re up in your spaceship watching earth, which is, of course, what aliens spend most of their time doing. You just witnessed Adam and Eve’s rebellion and you saw God give them the boot from the garden. Now you’re wondering what’s going to happen next. Surely Adam and Eve have learned their lesson. They’ll be on their best behavior now. And they’ll make definitely make sure their kids behave. No one in their right mind would provoke God any further. They can’t be that stupid.

So, sitting back with a bowl of whatever aliens eat when they’re watching movies, you stare intently into your bank of computer monitors as the story unfolds.

Look, two brothers in a field. They’ve just come from offering their gifts to God. The big one is angry. God didn’t like the vegetables that he offered. But, God accepted the nice juicy lamb roast that his brother brought. (Is this guy an idiot? Of course God picked the BBQ.) Anyway, it seems pretty clear from God’s reaction that the big human should have known better. But, he’s jealous anyway. Reaching down, he grabs a rock.

You’re a sensitive alien, so you don’t watch the next part. You go get something to drink instead. But, from the sound, you can tell that it wasn’t pretty.

Well, that was disturbing. Clearly these humans are still having problems. You wonder if it will get better.A while later you see a guy in his tent talking to his wives. What is he saying? He’s a killer too? And he’s proud of it! He’s even bragging that he’s a better killer than that first guy. These humans aren’t getting better; they’re getting worse! What could they possibly be thinking?

And it continues. Everywhere you look you see violence, destruction, jealousy, anger, bitterness, loneliness, idolatry. After a while you have to be wondering if this earth place is really worth invading. (Because, of course, that’s why you’re hovering overhead in a spaceship.) These humans are insane.

And yet it gets even worse. They just keep sinning. It almost looks like they’re specifically training their kids to be good sinners. And they’re doing a good job of it! Families, societies, governments, they all seem intent on teaching each other how to sin effectively. You’re starting to wonder if it’s a good idea to be watching this filth. When you get home, you’ll definitely have to make sure that your little squidlings don’t ever see these tapes. You wouldn’t want them growing up like this.

And, you’re starting to get a little nervous. God must be getting really angry. Just look at what these creatures are doing to his creation. Instead of being his images and displaying his glory everywhere, they’re selfishly serving their own interests and spreading shoah as far as the eye can see. (Don’t ask me how you know so much about humans imaging God and falling into shoah; you’re a very smart alien.) You know that your spaceship is fast, but you’re not sure that it’s fast enough to avoid all the debris that will surely be flung your way when God just blows the planet up. It can’t be long now.

What are all those water spots on your cameras? That’s annoying. It’s getting hard to see. What’s going on? Oh, a flood. Interesting choice. Apparently God’s not going to destroy everything after all. It should still take care of the humans, though. Weak lungs. Can’t hold their breath very long.

Wait, is that a boat? Where did that come from? You shouldn’t have spent so much time watch the T-Rex eating that triceratops. It looks like there are humans on the boat. No problem. God will probably knock a hole in the bottom so they drown like the rest. Any time now.

The flood’s over? What about those humans? He’s going to leave some alive? Why would he do that? That’s like exterminating most of the fleas from your house, but keeping a few of them around to play with later. That doesn’t make any sense. (Aliens hate fleas.) Well, he probably picked smarter ones this time. Surely they won’t mess things up again.

Because you’re a very disciplined alien, you keep watching. But, it gets pretty depressing. Nothing changes. After the flood, sin continues to spread. Everywhere. You can’t miss it. Though you can still see God’s glory in creation if you look closely enough, it’s gotten pretty hard. Shalom is nowhere to be seen. Shoah has taken over. No one escapes its touch.

“The Lord looks down from heaven on the children of man, to see if there are any who understand, who seek after God. They have all turned aside; together they have become corrupt; there is none who does good, not even one.” (Ps. 14:2-3)

It’s time to go. You can invade Mars instead. It’s not very exciting, but at least there aren’t any humans.

About Marc Cortez

Theology Prof and Dean at Western Seminary, husband, father, & blogger, who loves theology, church history, ministry, pop culture, books, and life in general.

Posted on July 5, 2010, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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